Thursday, January 30, 2014

Thursday, January 30th, 2014; in progress

"Silence has been killing me with an awful long soliloquy."
As I awake, the dryer tumbles, the washer drips, and I only wanted to sleep twenty minutes longer.
But I shouldn't oversleep anyways.
Flowers are dying on the kitchen counter. Flowers from a lost friend, a lost lover. Flowers from a stranger who happened to walk by. Flowers from my mother, my father. Flowers to and from myself. An apology.
My phone is dancing on the table. Dancing, singing, and whispering a warning that I should walk out the door, start my car, drive down the street, and smile.
Smile sincerely.
I grit my teeth, and throw that god damn continual reminder of useless technology at the wall.
Being sincere is impossible when you don't care about the leak in washing machine.
Or the oil leak in your car.
Or your cat leaking with the fleas.
Or your own body leaking with fumes of stale cigarettes.

"Silence has been killing me with an absence of tranquility."
In this box you call a room I cut off peoples heads and paste them to trees and hang it on my wall and call it "Pieces of Art".
Pictures of John F Kennedy are hanging in my bathroom.
A woman lives in my pantry and I named her Mary.
And I mumble "Be free" to her each time I grab a can of whatever food, or whatever tea.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

January 22nd, 2014; with tired eyes

What good will come out of working two jobs and attending school full time? I feel as though my eyes are going to fall out. I feel as though my breathing could stop. People are always impressed when I told them what I do with my time. I wish I could do so much more with my time. I wish I could function with four hours of sleep so I could have four extra hours to work on things that really matter to me. I mean I do enjoy school, and whatever but you know, I'm tired. 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Monday, January 20th, 2014; i think it's called survival

Some quick thoughts before I run out the door and try to make the most out of my day:

You can still get a sunburn when it's cloudy.
Winter isn't as awful as you think it is.
There are things that you do not know.
Joy does not come without appreciation for things.
Laziness is a face-masking drug.
Driving is really more dangerous than every short trip to the jiffy mart.
You don't deserve anything.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

January 8th, 2014; ongoing, ongoing (five day hangover)

Very afraid of things to come.
Very anxious about the moment of now.
Very very sick to my stomach.
But here's to hope.
Here's to Fleetwood Mac.
Here's to realizations.
Here's to you.
Here's to me.
Here's to today.
Here's to tomorrow.
Here's to my mistakes.
& here's to fixing them.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

January 4th, 2013; cat lessons

This is Patrick. Until today, I had a hard time dealing with his spastic moods, his desperation to get some fresh air, and his aversion to being cuddly. Until today though, I had a hard time understanding why he is so desperate, and why he stares out the window for hours at a time.
In correspondence to Patrick's habits, him & I, & a lot of people are a like. Because when Patrick gets outside every so often, he doesn't know what to do. When he finds himself back inside, he still doesn't quit staring out the damn window. He has felt the truth of his true nature (when he was an outside kitten), and like humans, can never forget that feeling, of being free.
Him & I are both stuck in this apartment together, both prone to the repetitiveness of habit, both feeling a sense that this isn't everything. Both kind of wondering if there's a way to get out.
Undoubtedly, I'm sure he understands that life outside means there's many of risks that lead to death, and I'm pretty positive that that doesn't matter either.
We can't ignore our true nature; we can't ignore our true selves.
Let that be a lesson from Patrick.

(if he was my cat, I probably would let him free when the weather gets a little hotter by five degrees, but he isn't my cat, so)

Friday, January 3, 2014

January 3rd, 2014; my friends, my friends

Well, today, I had today off. (For once in my life.)
I decided to dedicate it to all the women in life. I decided to throw them a tea party. A tea party where we let our guard down about the past because we have no clue what will happen in the near future. Unfortunately, a few of my friends couldn't let their guard down longer than two minutes, or even one second for that matter. This filled me with a bit of disappointment, but maybe one day they'll get over themselves. (Then again, maybe one day they won't.) (Insert Lightpost lyrics here: "All my effort will never get through to you; you might as well be blind to all the good my allegiance seems to do.")
Anywho, it turned into a reminiscent shin-dig because it seems the only people who stayed were the ones who were already comfortable with one another. This made the event still memorable; it made it still worth giving my spare time too. It was a very nice day.
I forgot to take photos during the time in which they were here but I took a few of the moments after they all left, and that is just as good.

It is forty-five minutes away from tomorrow.
I would rather love and to have lost then to have never loved at all.