Tuesday, November 26, 2013

November 26th, 2013; tomorrow

I will never know what will happen within the next two seconds, no one will ever know. Not until it's past, unimportant, will I realize reality. Sincerely, I am trying to control my anxiety which causes me to control what will happen next. In effort to predict the possible events, the upcoming loses it's ability to surprise. My compulsiveness controls each hour of each day; instead of allowing life spread out freely, naturally. I do not know what will happen next. I cannot predict anyones moves. I cannot predict my own. I am tired of misjudging the magic. With all of this passive thinking of mine, I am only hindering my creativity. It will not flow without flaw with all of these expectations, yet I still can't help but worry. I still can't help but wonder what will someone say to me next, or what is going through that person's head. I still can't help but wonder if I will fail or strive. I will fail if that's all I'm doing, is worrying, wondering, predicting, thinking. I will fail if I can't get over this. 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

During a conversation today, I was asked how my life is.
I didn't necessarily have a decent answer for this question due to all of the ups and downs that have been going from within and without me. The person cut in and said,
"It just is?"
And with some contemplation I replied,
"It just is."

november 24th, 2013; thirteen hours

coughing the wrong way feels like being possessed by a demon
not getting enough sleep makes you feel like a ghost
forgetting to eat before a shift feels like purgatory
whispering feels like a sneaky exchange
talking aloud feels like magic
i will believe in this magic

Sunday, November 17, 2013

november 17th, 2010; central


if there was ever a moment,
                   ever a moment, 
                   ever a moment, 

                   it's now 
but I can't bring it within myself to do anything.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

November 16th, 2013; "God damn it, you've got to be kind."

Today wasn't a very good day. Almost everything within my body doesn't want to accomplish really anything. But I swore to my heart I would express my heart every single day in a memorable matter. So I am trying. I am pushing myself.

It's so hard to walk away from something that fills you with such loathing.
It's so hard to be kind.
It's so nice to feel a bit apathy.
But you must stray away.

This is my attempt, to walk as far away as I can from it. Even if it's just a few feet. When I do things, I'm fine. I can continue being active. It is not difficult to be successful within my own life. I just have to not give in. Ever.

So I will keep trying. I will wake up at four am tomorrow and go to work. I will not let work wreck me tomorrow like I did today. Because things are okay, and they will always be okay. I just can't blind myself from that. I can't tell myself that things won't happen, because with that attitude I will accomplish my biggest fears.

A note to my mentor, I did record a song today. The mic was really bad & made me sound like kesha at some points, so I would rather not share it. (this is part of my daily goals.) (recording a song.) (maybe tomorrow, I can figure out how to make it sound like heaven.) (but for now, I must sleep. I have less than eight hours to be at work in the morning.)


Friday, November 15, 2013

November 15th, 2013; i cannot see though

my mind is somber
it is relaxed with the patter of the rain
the ramble of footsteps
the unsteadiness of traffic
the chill of my fingertips
the loss of my breath
& the gain of it once again
it is relaxed with the subtlety of light
the creaks from the upstairs rats
the dryness of my throat
the hum of the heater
the pondering of my past
& the blank thoughts of my future
it is relaxed with the wind stirring my curtains
the loss of another day
the softness of an empty room
the stretching of my toes
the hope for next morning
& the hope for two minutes from now
my mind is somber

Thursday, November 14, 2013

November 14th, 2013; balence

Mouth to mouth, please to police
god damn, my genes for my knees
to ache is to ache is to be awake
in life or death, a parallel

my fingertips coated in grease
from these things I do feed
a minuscule point I'd like to add
a far fetched dear love

in light, of fire in self to keep
forever I love to be asleep
for fear, for fear, of the sea
a dark, alluring enjoyment

these times, these times, nothing
comes from our hearts, nothing
a lack there of, of something
nothing, no nothing, nothing

sweet dear, don't look afraid
for there comes a time, that needs
in the air, you feel
in the air, you breathe