Thursday, February 16, 2012

Thursday, February 16, 2012; Subtle Art

As of late, I've felt a loss of appetite & a gain of weight. Subtly, my mood has transgressed into a sort of bewildering coma. Darkened, quiet, & of absolute unimportance. More or less, I simply would just like to lay in my bed all hours of the day.
Apathy has fallen but my spirits still fly high; only motivation has fled. The odd thing of it all, it is still there. Basking one minute & then hiding the next.
I'm confused by the things that surround me & myself. If I cannot understand myself, then can I understand anything? I waste so much time pondering instead of actually searching for keys. By the time I figure something of little significance out, they've locked the door and walked off. I'm not afraid to scream truth at the top of my lungs; I no longer feel capable or able to do so. The only thing that holds me back is my own being.
Mysteriousness is fading with each & every discovery I'm trying very very hard to figure out. Although trying hard, all my focus seems to turn into a haze with simple follies. More chains are attached with each glance towards the ground or towards careless people. My heart is wasted with each unnoticed endeavor, but that's just selfish implications in the end. (& if you allowed me to define selfishness, I would define this as the wrong worldly version of it.)
It's despicable of me to give into things that I hate. Here, we are back to the part where we realize this is all my fault. "I did all of this to myself" sort of thing. Slowly dwindling away my own integrity like I enjoy losing bits and pieces of an entire working organism. Ripping off organs, breaking bones, teeth rotten; fallen out.
My soul is a vicarious monstrosity.
Before the title credits stream at the end of this game I will leave with the notion that I believe that I can fix this broken heap of scrap metal.

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