Saturday, February 11, 2012

Saturday, February 11, 2012; Canterberry

Trapped within the barriers of my own mind, I find it difficult to speak. Most of my words seem unneeded to be heard by these careless people. & if I were to explain, would they even listen to hear the bulk of it, or simply the gist of it? I don't want someone to simply listen. I want someone to understand.
No one seems to understand how seeing a little boy run around an auditorium can break my heart. Or the emails that I've gotten from my mother. Or to see my step-father in the grocery store. Or any man that resembles him.
No one seems to understand that I can't comprehend the act of selfless kindness in abundance. But I crave it.
No one seems to understand how fragile of a skull I carry atop my head. My thoughts can be shattered by any one action. My dreams, hopes, love, gone.
The people around me, the ones I no longer speak to, are my chains. They bound my fears unspoken; burry my devotions deep within the oceans. I am wrapped around their fingers as they are wrapped around mine. Our hands clasped.
What pains me, is when I hear or see how they're doing & it's not okay. When will a single human being feel okay for more than twenty minutes. (or am I just applying that to myself?)
Or when they lie to themselves.
In my fragility, I must force strength or I am going to turn into someone that I was never meant to be.
After last night, I can honestly say I’ve gained the power within myself to no longer care. It’s a waste of time and heart to care.
So long people of today.

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